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Moving on

​I’m sorry if I ever did anything that you didn’t like. It’s funny how I feel nothing yet I also feel everything. All of my friends are moving on and it’s gapping faster than I thought it might. Everyone is starting up college and here I am, alone. It seems like everyone has forgotten because I am not seen anymore. Driving my car with the music blaring and still you can hear and feel my screams as I cannot keep them inside anymore. I get myself ready in the morning hoping that someone will text me asking if I want to hang out. Yet again here I am waiting, alone. I’ve reached out yet everyone claims to be busy. The people who claim to be busy are the ones who are with my other friends. Maybe they just didn’t want me around. Well hopefully I won’t be around anymore at all.

Getting Out

I need to get out. College is too much for me right now. I need a break from life and to feel ok again. College has stifled everything that is good. It hangs over me like a cloud that is pouring out rain with no end in sight. I need to get away, far away. Being so close to home keeps me back. I just want to leave.

Questions.

The longer I am alone with my thoughts the more I am reminded of life. Life isn’t always pretty. Here I am crying, reminded of being raped. The shame that I feel. The utter humiliation when my friends talk about being virgins. Here I am 19 years old, and being alone with a guy still makes me a little anxious. Being raped gives you a different insight into life. You see things that most people don’t give a second glance too. You don’t trust people like you used too. I constantly have to remind myself that I am safe. That I don’t have any reason to worry. That it wasn’t my fault. The thought of seeing him again makes me curl into a ball and weep. Weep at what he has taken, what I can never get back. I don’t hate him, but I would like to ask him a couple questions. The first one being, Why, why he did what he did. The second, Why he didn’t just kill me that night. Lastly, If I was the only one he has ever raped.

People don’t always believe the victims of rape. Some people blame the victim in that she just wants attention or wants someone to care. I was once blamed for lying about being raped. I was so confused and depressed that the thought came into my head “what if i just made this up”. I knew though that I was telling the truth. That I was raped. I felt it every time I had a flashback, every time I had a panic attack, and everytime I woke up in the morning wondering why I was still alive. I read this article ( https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/wonk/wp/2014/12/11/the-scientific-research-shows-reports-of-rape-are-often-murky-but-rarely-false/#memory ) and It really helped me understand why not every detail was present in my head.

To those who have been raped, I truly hope you don’t understand the feeling of not being believed. I am truly sorry you were ever even raped. All I know is that all things work together for good. At some point I want to share my experience with someone and to help them.

Love

Why is love such a weird word. We use it to haphazardly describe things we like. Yet we also use it to mean serious things. 

There’s been only a few times in my life that I have fallen in love. And see when I say that I think it sounds stupid because truly falling in love is a thing you can only do once. But here I am trying to describe the times I thought I fell in love. When you fall in love for the first time, you are convinced that you will be married to that oerson. That they mean everything to you. You never truly get over your first love because your mind makes such a connection with that person that it’s hard to duplicate. For me the first time I fell in love was everything that you think it should be. I remember all the tiny things he did. All the stupid things we did because we thought that it was what couples did. Letters were written and true tears were shed when we parted. As we grew older the letters stopped. People grew apart and forgot. I will always have a place in my heart for him. The second time I thought I was in love ended in utter heartbreak. He told me he loved me. That he would never leave me. He made countless promises that ended in our relationship falling apart as he raped me. His reasoning was because I was a tease. 

I gave up on love. Yet the hopeless romantic in me had high hopes. Through the years guy after guy has come and go. The funny thing is that they all say the same thing “I’m not like the other guys. I would never hurt you”. Then they leave. They leave me in a broken state. They leave me wondering how I’ll be able to live.  

I have realized in the past few years that in order for you to live you need to recognize that you don’t need someone to validate your existence by being your boyfriend or girlfriend.  You need to find validation in yourself. Haha now am I saying I’m a pro at this? Lol definitely not. I have days where I’m so lonely and depressed. I look in the mirror and hate everything I see. I am working on my self worth and self image but it is a long hard road. Here’s to trying my best. 

My heart hurts so badly when my other friends are in pain. Why oh why can I not help them. This is breaking my heart all over again…. it’s like I’m losing you all over again.

Being hurt

If you’ve ever been physically abused. You know that while the actual pain of being punched or hit was bad. You know that the after effect of being hurt by someone you love is much worse. You constantly wonder why they do it. You live in fear that if you mess up in any way they’ll hit you. I hate that there are people out there in relationships just like that. But then I remember and look back on why I was in one. People crave love and attention. When someone offers them love and attention people follow them. Then when eveything seems to be perfect and they see that you’ll do anything for them. That you’re dependant on them, that’s when things will start to change. That’s when you’ll notice the difference in the way they talk to you. Their shortness of temper. The way they like to see you flinch by throwing things at you or scaring you. The way they go out with other people just to test how much you are willing to let them get away with things… they take away what you are and make you into something that they want. An object that they can possess. For those of you who know this feeling. I am so so so terribly sorry.  I’m sorry you’ve experienced the feeling of disappointment of unrequited love. I’m sorry you know the sleepless nights over worrying if you messed up that day. I’m sorry. 

Why. 

Why do people enjoy hurting other people. 

Damn it I’m angry. A person I loved was hurt. I don’t care if I’m hurt. Goodness knows I can handle pain.  But God help me if one of my friends and someone I care about gets hurt…. why is it OK for dad’s to think that because they’re stronger and bigger than  their kids to beat them up. Why is it ok in their minds to physically hurt their children and wife. How can someone who calls himself a man do that…. I cannot even begin to describe the amount of pain I am feeling because either was so helpless to help this person… oh how I wish I could’ve taken some of the sleepless nights and the punches for him. Oh how I wish I could shield my friends from all the pain in this world…. oh God. Please help my friend and give him peace. Please Abba father protect him in his life. Let him feel your love. Give him someone to look up to and to take care of him…. my whole body just aches knowing I was apart of his life during this time and had no idea….. I thank God knowing he’s not still in contact. 

How to treat people. 

Sitting here listening to someone else make fun of and tear down an employee because of how slow the service is. I’m sorry. But when you are yelling at other people telling them to go faster isn’t going to make them go any faster. It breaks my heart when people aren’t treated right. Why oh why would you treat someone else, another human any less than you would want to be treated. I don’t understand.

As the person looks around he makes eye contact with me  and says that he’s been waiting here for 30 minutes when in actuality he came in after us and we’ve only been here for 10. What I always tell people is that you should treat others better than how you would want to be treated given you were in their shoes. Anyway. Sorry about the rant. It was just really bothering me  

Finally asleep

Today has been a day filled with tears and laughter. Not from me of course haha the children who I take care of. They are finally asleep and the music is playing in the background.  Oh how I love this time of the day when I can reflect on my God. Today I have learned that my fears are insignificant in the sight of my whole life. The fears that I woke up with today won’t effect me years from now. Even if it feels like the biggest or worst thing that could happen, it’s not.  Today had been a good day. Thankful for these wonderful kids who give the kindest hugs and warmest smiles. They are the reason why I enjoy waking up in the morning. 

Hold Fast

Hold fast the things that you love in case you loose them forever. Hold fast the things you despise in case you forget. Hold fast the love in your heart for when you think there is no love in the world. Hold fast the kindness in your soul for the times that kindness is no more.

Love like there is no tomorrow. Show kindness to those who may turn you away. Show them anything that you have been denied from other people. Help people around you like they are your family. Be willing to go the extra mile when someone asks.

My heart breaks over the events that have unfolded in the past couple of days. Growing up I have always been sensitive when it comes to certain things in life. One of those being race. The idea of racism enrages me like no other. How one person could judge someone else solely on the color of their skin baffles me. When people comment about how they don’t go to a certain area because of the type of people that live there, it makes me so angry. People don’t have a choice what color of skin they were born with. Why does media and the world itself not celebrate differences. Differences are what make people themselves.The ability to communicate, the hobbies we have, the outfits we take time to pick out, would mean nothing.  Without differences we would all be the same mindless, colorless, boring people. Differences are something that we should all cherish and admire. Too many lives have been taken because of violence and hate toward another individual. One persons life is too many deaths in the name of hatred. We all need to join hands and show each other the love and respect we want shown to ourselves. Learn that hatred and violence are not the answer. Prayers go to families and anyone effected by the recent loss of human life.

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